The construction of this grand fortress went into affect last Tuesday . Its frame was set for a fortuitous wall as hi as it was wide . a moat no draw bridge – maybe a window for light . Occasional entry for those who were already in . But its surface – cool and metallic unscalable. And its defenses meant to cut ,divulge and distort ego from the pulp of the one who the architect waged a war with. And built it for the pliable underbelly of emotional stability the builder protected from its complete annihilation. It was badly damaged. Wounded and lashing out at passerby’s in sublimation.

i am the builder

the wall is mine

and the weak is my state after i found about this whole thing.

I wanted nothing more than to hurt this man. I was spiteful, sending hurtful IM messages calling and coming to no conclusion – not answering his calls leaving obscure text messages – i wanted him to hurt as much as he hurt me.

Its not a nice place to be really.

its not healthy for any one.

Fact of the matter is it takes as much energy to hate someone as it does to love them. But no – i didn’t hate him. i just felt like a fool. i was disappointed. Hurt- embarrassed – betrayed you know the rest. But some DUMB part of me still wanted to fix it. Buti had to know he was sorry . Had to know he knew what he was losing , what he lost more over.

I was goin out to Connecticut. to drop off his shit. i called him knowing if i told him that he’d stay there or leave i mean either way i was ejecting him from my life . Rewinding to the pre-johan phase and moving on a different path .

he wanted to see me

i refused.

We eventually agreed to come to my apartment to talk. I’ll at least grant him that . But i warned him of my volatile state. And that I’d be prone to beating the shit out of him. He said it was a risk he’d have to take.

Kunal came by and i did my best with his hair. Attempting to restart his dreads with partial ones existing.
we spoke and took longer than we had to. He could feel the cold right off my skin. ” you’ve definitely hardened, afua” he said to me after we finished and made our way to t he park. We obnoxiously ate odorous Thai food on the side Bleachers to the Astoria park track. Watching as power walkers and passerby’s sneer but keep pace to the whole area pregnant with smells of curries and chilies on our greasy hands and content faces.

we laughed at the irony of it all and parted ways. Thank you Kunal. I went back in to my apartment to stew on my half wanted guest. i wanted to get this over with. Closure – something – we’d argued and bickered online — and on the phone — its bullshit really. Face to face or nothing at all. f*ck an E-argument.

So 10pm draws near and no sign. He’s worse about time than I am. Iknew he was standing out side the door for a while. The hairs on my neck were raised my underarm sweaty my hands itchy. But he managed to slide in pale and undetected. i sat at the computer still and had my back to him

” have a seat”

my roommate as asleep and being in a railroad apartment you can hear someone roll over in bed so we had to argue inlow volume — great —. We sat Silent for a long time b4 any one of us spoke.

i don’t even remember half the things we said. But it eventually lead to my crying and clutching my knees on the floor. He didn’t hesitate to come over and hold my shoulders with a chant of I’m sorry’s. i quickly straightens up and walked away from him. He watched me head down but nervously pace back n forth with my fist opening and closing like sea anemone to plankton.

i couldn’t hit him.

I’d watched my parents beat the shit out of each other with chairs , produce n can goods fist and boiling water each one more menacing and traumatic as the last. i never want to be that . No matter how much i dislike someone. Unless they are plain crazy and coming at me or committed something heinous – you know those extreme conditions. I’d much rather hurt someone with words to give them something o replay than HIT them and it be an ignorant ploy for damage.

i walked out of my apartment and quickly made up my mind not to go outside with no keys, coat, or shoes and sat under the stairs. i heard him thunder overhead skipping steps and run out thru both doors. i think he way have seen my feet peeking from under the stairwell because he waited. For a while , like he knew I’d eventual get up and let him in.

the fort began to faultier.

all arguments to the wind i cried. i pounded my fist against his sides and he suffocated them like the slowing of a heartbeat. He rocked back n forth with my arms folded under him saying

” you don’t have to forgive me – just know that I’m sorry – know that i DO love you – and i know what i did was stupid – torisk this — to risk you — there is no one like you Afua – no one. And I’m sorry –

you remember in story books where someone says the magic incantation and the beast turns back into a real person — yeah this was one of those. i fought and lashed around and eventually retired to his shoulder.

we went back upstairs and he held me. We didn’t part until 9 o clock

the next evening .

<<

i have to apologize to my friends I’d been neglecting. I’m a person again. We’ll hang and eat and go to the gym. I’m goin the KIN show tomorrow if any one’s down .
pre-show party at KUSH on christie st. Say you’re there for the kin and you get in . It starts at 8:30 . I’ll be singing. the show it at the Mercury lounge at 10:30 12bux- too late for you 9-5 ers

ooh and check out the site for the comic i did some work for .

http://www.halfdeadcomic.com/

lates

fu